This letter recently came into my possession. It’s from Steel N. Robb, managing partner of the powerhouse Washington consulting firm of Cheatem and Fleecem. The author is giving his niece, a senior in high school advice on how Washington works and why she should pursue a career in DC politics. It was dated October 31, 2024, right before the November election of Donald Trump.

Dear Molly:

Here is my advice on how to have a lucrative career in progressive politics in Washington, DC.

Make sure you have a reputable major from a good college. Don’t go to one of those cow colleges where you learn a useful trade. The DC power structure wants to discourage independence and self-sufficiency. Giving people control over their livelihood is a threat to our existence. I suggest majors at schools like Oberlin, Swarthmore and Harvard, such as Pervert Studies, Environmental Wacko-ism and Race Hustling Theory. These majors will give you street cred with your future government employer. They want vacuity, easily pliable candidates who can be indoctrinated into believing that all good in society emanates from government squashing individuality and private initiative.

When you interview for your first job with a federal agency make sure you look plain, unimaginative and dowdy. You will want to fit in with the collective blob. If you are slim and in good shape, immediately gain 30 pounds and be careful not to go into the sun as you want your skin to be pasty white. Department heads seek “fat and lazy.” If you look energetic and care about your appearance, you are a threat to the entire federal work force which merely exists to do as little work as possible while drawing a big paycheck.

Once you are hired by the federal government, you’ve got it made. It’s impossible to get fired. You can work from home, eat a dozen Twinkies/day and never move off the couch. You can do this for 40 years and retire with a huge pension. Then you might want to consider moving to a red state where taxes are low,  real estate is affordable,  and you can make everybody in your new neighborhood miserable by being a pain in the ass Karen. Your 40-year career in government will be excellent training on preening, sneering, sniveling self-righteousness and giving disdainful looks to those employed in the private sector. You will need a sense of purpose when you retire and what can be more rewarding than looking down upon people who don’t live off the government teat.

Although not always encouraged, there is a clique in Washington that is eager to enhance the careers of those wanting to make a lot of money and not particularly interested in watching re-runs of I Love Lucy all day. The good thing about Washington is it is remarkably easy to get very rich without once, not once ever doing anything of societal value.

First, learn a handful of stupid platitudes like “ Hey ho, Elon has to go,” “from the river to the sea, Palestine will be free (don’t worry about not knowing where these bodies of water are),”no human is illegal,” and “love is love” ( this might not mean what you think it does as a lot of politicians in Washington  bugger little boys).

Once you learn all these platitudes, then become a political activist. Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, and there is no greater concentration of useless people than the federal workforce. Useless people vote and our side needs to stay in power, so it’s important that they will be infused with fear over fake calamities. Once you are skilled in the art of useless rhymes and meaningless phrases, you will be recognized as a great thinker by the mainstream media (which we secretly bribe with taxpayer money). As a progressive activist, you will have the opportunity to engage in bribery, money laundering, kickbacks, tax fraud, fake jobs and lucrative consulting gigs without having to do any consulting.

Here are just a few examples:

If you are a totally vacuous unhinged left wing nut job, a university will hire you to work 2 hours a week teaching a class that pays $500k a year (you should see what Liz Cheney gets for showing up for just one day at the University of Virginia!). The more “commie” your class,  the more money from Washington will flow to your university.

You can form a charitable “feel good” organization with a cool sounding name like the “Center For Cute Little Puppies.” Democrat politicians and the administrative state will make sure your new “feel good” will get tens of millions, maybe even billions of dollars, and all you have to do is spend the money on our approved list of fake vendors and not keep any receipts.

There are always old-fashioned bribes. Help a foreign firm get a fat government benefit, and all of your family gets no show jobs. The briber likely will find a way for you to buy an asset of theirs for 10% of its value.

Tax fraud is always a good racket. All sorts of federal laws can be broken by stating that the graft you received is actually a “loan.” There are laws that apply to non-Washington insiders, such as imputed interest, gift tax and tax on forgiveness of debt, but the IRS does not enforce tax laws on members of the Deep State Club. Thus, you can just keep the money and not pay it back, tax-free.

Speeches, subscriptions, articles, fake products, etc. The government gives away hundreds of billions of dollars to NGOs (non-government organizations), and once the money goes out, there is absolutely no accountability as to how the money is spent. So, if you are part of “the team,” you can write a 300-word article on Bestiality in West Virginia and get paid $100,000. You can sell toilet paper to the NGO and get paid $4,000 per roll. There are virtually unlimited ways to get rich via extracting money unwillingly from taxpayers and laundering it through NGOs.

The way to get super-super rich is meddling in corrupt foreign countries. Oligarchs in a kleptocracy will pay good money for Washington influence. However, the really big money is in starting a war where millions die and are displaced! By having our Deep State experts meddle in Ukraine for 30 years, we created many lucrative opportunities.  Take away Ukraine’s nukes. Promise Russia that Ukraine will never become a part of NATO. Stage a 2014 Ukrainian coup, sabotage the Abraham Accords and then practically invite Russia to invade Ukraine and you have the perfect storm for a $350 billion dollar money laundering bonanza! It’s awesome. All our people have to do is convince mousy housewives to hang Ukrainian flags outside their house, and the money keeps flowing to Ukraine and we get a piece of every dollar! Some of the money actually gets to Ukraine to prolong the war effort, but most is funneled back to us through organizations like Act Blue and crypto based money laundering platforms. The longer the war goes on and the more people die, the more money we make!

So, Molly, my beloved niece, Washington is the place for you!  As long as we stay in power, we all get fabulously rich. There’s no way we won’t stay in power as we give billions of dollars of taxpayer money to 6,000 journalists to keep our corruption a secret and demonize our opponents.

You are welcome to intern at Cheatem and Fleecem this summer.

Uncle S