I was with a buddy of mine the other day and he kept referring to his “johnson.” I thought to myself, why is it called a “johnson?” Why not a SMITH? Why do the Johnsons get all the glory? Something ain’t right.  This is an injustice. There are over 2.5  million Smiths in the U.S and only about 1.85 million Johnsons. We are # 1 baby and we didn’t get to be # 1 by letting the upstart Johnsons push us around. (The Joneses used to be #2, but we declared jihad on them a long time ago, now they are # 5).

What have the Johnsons ever done? Sure there were two Johnson presidents, Lyndon who got us into Vietnam and had the ugliest daughter in all of Christiandom and Andrew, who was impeached for being a crook. We on the other hand have Bubba Smith, all pro defensive tackle for the Baltimore Colts. He won a Super Bowl ring and then went on to be the star in “Taste Great/Less Filling” Miller Light commercials (click to view). BAM, take that Johnsons!

Smiths are not only # 1 in the US, but we are also # 1 in Canada, England, Scotland, Australia and

New Zealand.  I have asked my Congressman, Eric Cantor, to introduce a bill in Congress declaring the “SMITH” to be the official designation of the male member. You might say “Oh Mr. Rob Is Always Right,” doesn’t Congress have more important business on its plate right now?” The answer of course is NO! At a time of fiscal crisis, what is more important than the full faith and credit of the United States government? How can anyone have any faith in the US when our own government cannot remedy such an obvious injustice? Who is going to buy our bonds? Certainly no self respecting Smith, but neither are any Chinns, Patels or Garcias, as this is an international issue with global ramifications.

I know all of you are as outraged by this as I am. Please write your Congressman, call and jam up the switchboards in the Rayburn building. Most importantly, make SMITH a part of your daily lexicon now! For example, you could state President Obama is a real SMITH, Barney Frank is very fond of SMITHS and Nancy Pelosi needs a………..( well you get the picture).

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